Amino Proteins?

I was washing my hair with my new bottle of Pantene Pro-V shampoo this morning, and I noticed something REALLY stupid. The shampoo advertises being "NEW! With Amino Proteins!"

Uhm. Tell me, shampoo, what proteins AREN'T amino proteins? Also, who says "amino proteins?!" NOBODY! All proteins are made of amino acids, as far as I know-- there's simply no other way. So unless the folks at Proctor & Gamble have discovered something REALLY huge and are huddling over their vats of shampoo and conditioner cackling evilly, they're just plain stupid. Just to make sure, I looked up "amino protein" and guess what I got:

CRAP!

The only things that came up were some [probably fraudulent] muscle enhancer supplement, and a bunch of sites mentioning "amino/protein" which doesn't count.

I'm tempted to write to them, but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is some free sample of their idiot shampoo and I don't want THAT.

Standardize me, please!

I'm trying to get better at taking standardized tests.

Also, I just threw up in my mouth a litle bit after writing that. What a stupid, mind-sucking, waste of a thing to do! I'm spending hours and hours of my time pouring over "textbooks" published by various companies who all claim to have The Secret to Mastering the GREs. They all tell me that the GREs are "just a game" and that I have to get good at this game. They also tell me that in order to do well at the game, I have to have a "positive attitude" about the game. Well, just a few things:

1. If the GRE is a game, it's one of the most UNFAIR games ever created. Most of us grew up with a calculator readily at hand to help us crunch numbers on math tests. All of a sudden, NO CALCULATORS ALLOWED on the GREs! Most of us also probably had ample time in which to flex our logic muscles during math tests/essay tests. SORRY! On the GREs you'd better spend approximately 30 seconds on "easy" problems so that you can budget your time and give your self at least ONE MINUTE for those tough ones. Keep in mind, you have no calculator. You're supposed to be able to rapidly assess the problem and find the cheapest, dirtiest, quickest way to solve it. Sounds kind of like the way IDIOTS fix a problem, doesn't it? Sure you can slap some duct tape on a gaping wound, but you're probably going to DIE of sepsis a few days later.

2. I don't PLAY games that aren't fair, let alone try really hard to succeed at them. For instance, if someone entered me in a race and then cut off my legs and told me to start practicing running with my arms, I'd drag my bloody torso stump away and spit over my shoulder as I went. I'd probably get some mouth bacteria in my gaping wound and DIE of sepsis a few days later, but at least I would have made my point.

3. Shouldn't REALLY smart people be spending their time doing something other than trying to get good at a standardized test that will be useful once, and only once, in their lives?

Needless to say, this is causing me an inordinate amount of stress. In fact, I could even go so far as to say that the GREs are killing some of my brain cells. How? Just to make sure, I looked it up (something one CAN'T do on the GREs):

According to an article in the Rutger's University publication "Memory Loss and the Brain,"

Chronically elevated levels of stress (and stress hormones) can actually impair the ability to form new memories and even damage brain cells. One target of chronic stress on the brain, evidence suggests, is the hippocampus-a pair of structures that play a key role in the transformation of experiences and perceptions into enduring memories.

Yes, I know it says "chronically elevated" but I'm sure spending months worrying about the GREs and then months worrying about getting accepted into a graduate program qualify as at least "sub-chronic."

And with that, I have to continue on my quest towards standardization...

I have a REAL problem!

I have a somewhat severe difficulty urinating in public bathrooms, and I've always just called it having a "bashful bladder" or being "pee shy." I found out just today that it's a REAL problem with a REAL name: paruresis.

Apparently 1 in 10 people suffer from paruresis, and it's an anxiety disorder. If I'd known about "my condition" last December, I could have been in an NIH study and gotten paid $400!

Here are some characteristics of paruresis:

Being afraid or unable to urinate when others are nearby.

Sufferers worry that someone might knock on the toilet door, or see or hear them urinating, or be waiting patiently outside.

Feelings of anxiety, anger, and body shyness in provoking situations. These emotions lead to contraction of the internal and external urethral sphincters (circular muscles that voluntarily and involuntarily restrict the flow of urine), both of which must be relaxed for urination.

Avoidant paruresis usually occurs when using public toilet facilities, including those on trains, buses, boats and planes.

Producing a specimen for a medical examination can be especially troublesome.

The condition can also occur at home when there are other people in the house, irrespective of whether or not they are in the bathroom.

The difficulty disappears if sufferers are certain that no one is around or likely to arrive.

Now, the difference between me and most paruretics is that I'm not conscious of any embarrassment regarding the things involved in urination. I know everyone does it, and that I must as well. I don't find it disturbing to hear other people urinating, and in fact I'm mostly jealous of other urinators. Also, they say it usually affects men, but that's probably just because of the urinal thing.

There are various forms of therapy available for paruretics, but some of them seem pretty damned weird. For instance:

Treatment consists of six to ten weekly sessions of counseling. Patients arrive with a full bladder (made even more so through use of a diuretic) and repeatedly practice starting and stopping their urine flow in a variety of restrooms throughout the medical center. Patients begin in tiny bathrooms tucked away in remote corners and work up gradually to larger, more crowded lavatories.

In the beginning, the therapist stands outside the restroom and reassures the patient that no one will enter. Once the patient is calm enough to start urinating, the therapist gradually moves closer and closer.

Near the final session, the patient and therapist seek out the ultimate challenge: a football or basketball game or a concert - wherever people are lined up and waiting to get in.

Hmmm, a free concert might be fun!! Perhaps this kind of therapy would help because you'd be laughing so hard at the ridiculousness of your therapist "gradually moving closer and closer" that you'd end up peeing from the laughter!

White Nectarines SUCK.

It looks like it would suck, doesn't it?

The texture is off, the flavor is lackluster, and they're just NOT that special. I didn't know if these fruits were born this way or if they were some kind of man-made genetic aberration. Turns out it's a little bit of both, according to an article in "Sunset Magazine."

As a group, white-fleshed peaches and nectarines aren't new. 'Babcock' peach has been around for years. Like other old white varieties, its fruits bruise more easily than yellow types, so they don't often show up in markets. When they do, they're usually immature (hard) and tasteless. But new developments by Zaiger Genetics have led to some tremendous improvements in flavor and, in some cases, durability. Now gardeners can choose between subacid and balanced-acid white peaches and nectarines -much like choosing between sweet and tart apples.

Yeah, well, whatever. I'm thoroughly disappointed with the white nectarine, and I don't give a hoot whether it's subacid or balanced-acid because it tastes like subCRAP.

Charlie Rose: Single? Stoned?...Vulnerable?

I have a terrible, unquenchable, fervid, infatuation with interviewer Charlie Rose. There's just something about his haggard, stroke victim-like features-- and those combined with his uncanny ability to make little to no sense and still be the best interviewer on television, well, it's HOT! Damned hot!

In the middle of last night's episode where he was blathering on to Wynton Marsalis about Blues, and New Orleans soul music, I started thinking that the only way I'll ever get a chance to put the hot n' heavy moves on Charlie Rose is if I'm someday famous enough to be interviewed by him. Now there's something to write in a graduate school essay!

"Your molecular biology program is perfect for me, as it will afford me the chance to combine my interests in virology and mRNA metabolism, and I will use this interdisciplinary opportunity to help further our progress towards a vaccine for HIV. Then, God-willing, I will be interviewed on PBS's "Charlie Rose" and I won't wear stockings because when I slide my pumps off under that table and begin to stroke that beautiful man's ankle, I'll want him to feel my all of my toes. Individually."

I guess the real point here is that I was wondering if the man is single. I looked it up, and according to this (http://www.bloomberg.com/media/tv/crose/bio.html) brief biography, he IS single as of 1980. However, perhaps more recent sources mention that he has a girlfriend by the name of Amanda Burden.

Another thing I've always thought about Charlie Rose is that he's either completely drunk or completely stoned or completely both, most of the time. Let's face it, sometimes he makes absolutely no sense and he rarely seems able to hold a steady gaze with the camera. It turns out other have surmised the very same thing:

"Did Charlie get that chick from the West Wing stoned and then ask her tripped out questions? Critics are saying that the smell of marijuana permeated the airwaves during a show that aired Dec. 1, 2004 with Mary-Louise Parker.

Rose started the metaphysical questions almost immediately. He asked things about Parker's life that would never emerge without psychedelic stimulation, "so do you think that by talking in an interview you're really performing, I mean, I think your true self can come through, man, but Mike Nichols says no way," Rose at one point said. Next came an inexplicable reference to one General Patton, a man whom Rose said wore a pistol on his belt."
(From the message boards on www.charlierose.com)

Now all I have to do is get famous, score some high-quality herbage, and keep my toenails nice and taken care of.

Twin clones?

I've been sitting in front of the computer a lot, ignoring lots of things as they happen in other rooms. Especially the boxes and the crap that needs to come with me to Atlanta, or stay here in New York. Especially them. I've also been ignoring my own mother a tidy sum, at least until tonight when, from the other room,her disembodied voice asked "why don't they call twins "clones?"

A good question, mother, a good question indeed.

I started with my usual "Well, it's probably because..." and then faded off into idiocy. I really just had no idea whatsoever, and there I was going to start running off my poorly-informed mouth yet again. Catching myself, I decided that since my retarded eyes were already glued to the computer screen that I might as well just look it up.

I found that twins are quite often referred to as "natural clones." What hurts the most is that I KNEW that already, I just wasn't glib enough to toss it out there.

There are several people I know that would be pretty disappointed in this little science student. It's a damned good thing few people read this, or at least few people with that elusive little quality known as a "scientific background."