Coke Blāk

It's been over one week now, and I think my body has finally managed to return to homeostasis. My mind, however, may never be the same.

One tentative sip of this classy-looking beverage and five minutes later I was yammering on about whatever was able to hold my now fleeting attention span, and I was struggling desperately against a giggling streak that was ready to explode at any moment from the gates of my clenched jawbones. I felt capable of cracking the best jokes, singing along the loudest, and basically just being the happiest. I felt high-- it was great.

"Finally!" I thought, "I know what it's like to be a bird!"

A bird? No. A plane! NO. A SNARLING DOG.


Perhaps it's no small coincidence that, upon looking up an image of the product under scrutiny, the fourth picture available is of this demonic creature.

Dr. Jekyll was a smart, witty, well-respected man until he drank that stuff and turned into Mr. Hyde [that asshole guy without an advanced degree]. "That stuff" was definitely Coke Blāk, because what my friends don't know is that after Chipper Lena stepped out of the car fumbling for her house keys, she broke the key in the lock. No problem, because the tablespoon of demon fuel in her veins was just enough to allow her to punch a hole in the door. After grinding some baking soda into her teeth and tearing her clothes off for bed, she lay rigid and slept with her eyes open and fixed on the ceiling not blinking-- not once.

The next morning she woke up to find several empty Slim Jim containers and barbeque sauce bottles with the caps crudely gnawed off. Also, this picture of "her friends" [on the back reading: the Coca-Cola Development Team]


So what is in this terrifying [yet extremely attractively packaged] beverage?

Ingredients: Carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, caramel color, natural flavors, coffee extract, phosphoric acid, potassium sorbate and potassium benzoate (to protect taste), caffeine, aspartame, acesulfame potassium

Oh. It must have been the aceslfame potassium.